“I was walking back from the store one day by myself, feeling a bit nervous as it had gotten late and I’m not in the safest of areas. I came across a group of young hoodlums whom asked me what I was doing. I told them, “just trying to get home” to which one of them said, “not today”. They jumped me, and beat me down pretty good. I was unsure of what the proper response was. I looked online for help, but it seemed as though hope was lost, and I was doomed to be defenseless for the rest of my life.
Until I came across this shirt. One look, and I knew it conveyed the message I wanted to banner across my chest with pride and conviction; I am American as FUCK! I immediately ordered it, got it, put it on, and walked that same route around the same time, in hopes that I’d run into those hood rats once more; just once more, as I knew it’d be the last. My wish came true, as they stood there staring at me with the grins of children on Christmas morning. “Come to restock my fridge again?”, one of them asked. “Not today”, I responded. The transformation had begun. Like the Incredible Hulk, my body was transitioning. My clothing changed, as suddenly I was rocking a top hat and one of the finest tuxedos I’d ever seen. Bald eagles formed a Flying V across the sky, as Gordon Bombay gave me a standing ovation. Music poured through the air, as Hulk Hogans theme song roared from his Harley as he gave me a thumbs up. I mounted my 6,000 ton grizzly, rocking the two greatest gifts I could; an M4 and the document that made me the greatest president to ever live. I was now full Abe Lincoln mode, and knew what had to be done. I stone cold stunner es every hood rat in the vicinity as red, white and blue streamers exploded from my chest. A steady dose of Rock Bottoms, followed by The People’s Elbow were to follow, as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson watched in awe from his knees, praising me. The deed was done, and peace was restored.
Since purchasing this shirt, women won’t stop trying to take me home with them, I’ve sold my Prius and now drive a Chevy, got my Handgun Safety Certificate, purchased multiple firearms, joined the NRA, and only Budweiser beer tastes good to me. I am forever in debt to this shirt, and I thank the good Lord that it exists in my life, and it should exist in yours too.”
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